αδερφός

The title means "brother."

Throughout my YAV year I have used this blog to get my emotions down, not worried about what gets typed up, using this blog as I need it when I am ready to talk about whatever it is.

This morning I learned of my brother's passing. I was filled with grief and hurt and wanted to be with my family right away. My big brother. Who I played in the snow with, who I raced mario karts with, who I grew up with. Being 7 years apart we were never super close because we had completely different mind sets. A college kid doesn't always want to hang out with a middle school student if they can help it. I have fond memories of him setting his alarm to wake us both up on Christmas morning so that we can go see what was in our stockings, but we could only grab our stockings, there was an unwritten rule of a stocking grab and then we had to go to our rooms and also not wake up Mom and Dad, but of course kids our age would make a lot of noise, so our parents were just nice enough to not yell when we woke them up. Memories of playing Legend of Zelda, of watching Star Wars, of getting in arguments, we almost never physically fought. He helped me with driving, gave me advice in all departments, and went above and beyond the call of duty for a big brother.

He was planning on coming down to New Orleans next weekend, and now this. My community of friends in New Orleans and my girlfriend have been amazingly supportive, but the truth is that I am devastated. I always feel bad for people who have a tragedy like this happen, but I never know what to say to help. And now it's me and I can put on some sort of calm visage like I'm ok, but I had plans with my brother, not just for when he would come down to New Orleans, but for life, and now this.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, he annoyed me often. He was hard to live up to, he didn't do stellar in high school, (my Mom will tell you that I didn't do much better), but Tim was so successful in the things that he did. He was the type of student that teachers remembered, so that years later they would still slip up and call me "Tim" instead of "Eric." His senior exit project was crazy good, while I finished my product the day before. He flourished in college and after college he transitioned seemingly flawlessly into the work force. My parent's and I have both talked with some of his friends from Washington, D.C. and they have all said what a great person he was.

One time this year when I was angry he told me that I could tell him anything, that if there was anything going on that I should text him, or email him, or call him. Just contact him and talk with him.One of the worse parts is the regret now. The fact that I have no idea where I would be able to find a picture of my brother and I. The fact that we didn't talk on the phone more. That I hadn't seen his face since Christmas. When I got to my parents tonight I was finally able to let go, to allow myself to begin the grieving process, I had too much to do this afternoon to let my mind and body function the way they should in this time, and now in the midst of my family I can.

There is a club... it's called the Lipka Men's Club. It's for my Dad, my brother, and myself. We take pictures together on Mother's day, even when we are apart from each other. We give Christmas presents as a club, we have email groups, and if I could only be part of one club for the rest of my life, then I would be damn proud to be part of the Lipka Men's Club.  I can't say goodbye to my brother, it isn't whether or not I am emotionally stable enough, I just have to stick with the thought that I will see him again. So it isn't goodbye, Tim, it's see you later.

You are the best brother that I could have ever asked for, and so much more than I deserve, I am so proud of you, and I am going to work so hard for you to be proud of me too. I love you.


All for one and one for all
My brother and my friend
What fun we have
The time we share
Brothers 'til the end.
-unknown