It's hard to believe that I was in Charlotte for a week, it feels like it was a month. Time dragged on as my family and I went through the cliche "day by day." I talked with old friends, received countless messages from people checking in on me, and played way too many video games. Throughout the week I couldn't once think of something other than what a terrible turn this summer took, and how fast it all happened. I can't help but think about the plans that I had for my last month as a YAV, and how quickly those plans changed. Now I'm sitting in the Atlanta airport about to catch my connection to New Orleans to be there until Saturday. On Saturday I will be shutting the door of the YAV house for the last time and leaving my YAV year early. There were many things that influenced my decision of ending my YAV year early, but the primary one is also what the YAV program stressed during orientation... self-care. To take care of myself, I have to end a month early.
A lot has happened in this past week. A lot of tears, a lot of hugs, a lot of family, just a lot. Through it all I keep thinking about the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life, and that was speak at my brother's funeral. I was talking to my youth pastor about it prior to Saturday, and said how it should be one of my brother's kids or grandchildren speaking at his funeral, not me. It's not fair that it was me. I wanted to speak, I knew it would be hard, but I had to. I read a revised version of my last blog post, knowing that the version spoken by me at his funeral would have a different meaning to people than just reading it online. It had a different meaning to me, too. It showed me just how hurt I am by all of this, how strong the love of my brother is, and how much people loved Tim. I got choked up (understatement), but I tried really hard to get through it, and from what people have said, I did a good job. I wasn't looking for a good job though, I was looking for a way to get across to people our relationship as brother's. In my talk I realized how hard that is to get across, and I'm pretty sure that it's impossible, because the love between my brother and I is ever present, but not always seen. I tried to tell people about us, and as I said in the Sanctuary, I tried to make Tim proud of the Lipka Man that I was becoming.
My YAV year has been full of experiences, some I wanted to have, and others that I wish never happened. But I wouldn't trade this year for anything, this year has let me grow, given me something to be proud of, helped me to form relationships with people that I will never forget, and prepared me for my life better than any year possibly could have. I am very upset to leave New Orleans this weekend, but at the same time, I am incredibly happy of the opportunities that I have had and the people that I have met, and also the future that awaits me. When people and a city impact you this much, then it is impossible to say goodbye to both, so it isn't goodbye New Orleans, I will see you again
Peace
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
αδερφός
The title means "brother."
Throughout my YAV year I have used this blog to get my emotions down, not worried about what gets typed up, using this blog as I need it when I am ready to talk about whatever it is.
This morning I learned of my brother's passing. I was filled with grief and hurt and wanted to be with my family right away. My big brother. Who I played in the snow with, who I raced mario karts with, who I grew up with. Being 7 years apart we were never super close because we had completely different mind sets. A college kid doesn't always want to hang out with a middle school student if they can help it. I have fond memories of him setting his alarm to wake us both up on Christmas morning so that we can go see what was in our stockings, but we could only grab our stockings, there was an unwritten rule of a stocking grab and then we had to go to our rooms and also not wake up Mom and Dad, but of course kids our age would make a lot of noise, so our parents were just nice enough to not yell when we woke them up. Memories of playing Legend of Zelda, of watching Star Wars, of getting in arguments, we almost never physically fought. He helped me with driving, gave me advice in all departments, and went above and beyond the call of duty for a big brother.
He was planning on coming down to New Orleans next weekend, and now this. My community of friends in New Orleans and my girlfriend have been amazingly supportive, but the truth is that I am devastated. I always feel bad for people who have a tragedy like this happen, but I never know what to say to help. And now it's me and I can put on some sort of calm visage like I'm ok, but I had plans with my brother, not just for when he would come down to New Orleans, but for life, and now this.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, he annoyed me often. He was hard to live up to, he didn't do stellar in high school, (my Mom will tell you that I didn't do much better), but Tim was so successful in the things that he did. He was the type of student that teachers remembered, so that years later they would still slip up and call me "Tim" instead of "Eric." His senior exit project was crazy good, while I finished my product the day before. He flourished in college and after college he transitioned seemingly flawlessly into the work force. My parent's and I have both talked with some of his friends from Washington, D.C. and they have all said what a great person he was.
One time this year when I was angry he told me that I could tell him anything, that if there was anything going on that I should text him, or email him, or call him. Just contact him and talk with him.One of the worse parts is the regret now. The fact that I have no idea where I would be able to find a picture of my brother and I. The fact that we didn't talk on the phone more. That I hadn't seen his face since Christmas. When I got to my parents tonight I was finally able to let go, to allow myself to begin the grieving process, I had too much to do this afternoon to let my mind and body function the way they should in this time, and now in the midst of my family I can.
There is a club... it's called the Lipka Men's Club. It's for my Dad, my brother, and myself. We take pictures together on Mother's day, even when we are apart from each other. We give Christmas presents as a club, we have email groups, and if I could only be part of one club for the rest of my life, then I would be damn proud to be part of the Lipka Men's Club. I can't say goodbye to my brother, it isn't whether or not I am emotionally stable enough, I just have to stick with the thought that I will see him again. So it isn't goodbye, Tim, it's see you later.
You are the best brother that I could have ever asked for, and so much more than I deserve, I am so proud of you, and I am going to work so hard for you to be proud of me too. I love you.
All for one and one for all
My brother and my friend
What fun we have
The time we share
Brothers 'til the end.
-unknown
Throughout my YAV year I have used this blog to get my emotions down, not worried about what gets typed up, using this blog as I need it when I am ready to talk about whatever it is.
This morning I learned of my brother's passing. I was filled with grief and hurt and wanted to be with my family right away. My big brother. Who I played in the snow with, who I raced mario karts with, who I grew up with. Being 7 years apart we were never super close because we had completely different mind sets. A college kid doesn't always want to hang out with a middle school student if they can help it. I have fond memories of him setting his alarm to wake us both up on Christmas morning so that we can go see what was in our stockings, but we could only grab our stockings, there was an unwritten rule of a stocking grab and then we had to go to our rooms and also not wake up Mom and Dad, but of course kids our age would make a lot of noise, so our parents were just nice enough to not yell when we woke them up. Memories of playing Legend of Zelda, of watching Star Wars, of getting in arguments, we almost never physically fought. He helped me with driving, gave me advice in all departments, and went above and beyond the call of duty for a big brother.
He was planning on coming down to New Orleans next weekend, and now this. My community of friends in New Orleans and my girlfriend have been amazingly supportive, but the truth is that I am devastated. I always feel bad for people who have a tragedy like this happen, but I never know what to say to help. And now it's me and I can put on some sort of calm visage like I'm ok, but I had plans with my brother, not just for when he would come down to New Orleans, but for life, and now this.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, he annoyed me often. He was hard to live up to, he didn't do stellar in high school, (my Mom will tell you that I didn't do much better), but Tim was so successful in the things that he did. He was the type of student that teachers remembered, so that years later they would still slip up and call me "Tim" instead of "Eric." His senior exit project was crazy good, while I finished my product the day before. He flourished in college and after college he transitioned seemingly flawlessly into the work force. My parent's and I have both talked with some of his friends from Washington, D.C. and they have all said what a great person he was.
One time this year when I was angry he told me that I could tell him anything, that if there was anything going on that I should text him, or email him, or call him. Just contact him and talk with him.One of the worse parts is the regret now. The fact that I have no idea where I would be able to find a picture of my brother and I. The fact that we didn't talk on the phone more. That I hadn't seen his face since Christmas. When I got to my parents tonight I was finally able to let go, to allow myself to begin the grieving process, I had too much to do this afternoon to let my mind and body function the way they should in this time, and now in the midst of my family I can.
There is a club... it's called the Lipka Men's Club. It's for my Dad, my brother, and myself. We take pictures together on Mother's day, even when we are apart from each other. We give Christmas presents as a club, we have email groups, and if I could only be part of one club for the rest of my life, then I would be damn proud to be part of the Lipka Men's Club. I can't say goodbye to my brother, it isn't whether or not I am emotionally stable enough, I just have to stick with the thought that I will see him again. So it isn't goodbye, Tim, it's see you later.
You are the best brother that I could have ever asked for, and so much more than I deserve, I am so proud of you, and I am going to work so hard for you to be proud of me too. I love you.
All for one and one for all
My brother and my friend
What fun we have
The time we share
Brothers 'til the end.
-unknown
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